April 9th, 1935 - August 12, 2008

She actually did it. I can't believe it and I hate death like you wouldn't believe. Yes, yes, she was ill and now she's not... but she was alive and now she's not. She was so very ill and every little thing required more effort than she had, almost... every breath was a struggle and her back hurt constantly, terribly... but she laughed and made fun of herself, and she loved my children and had words of wisdom that we either laughed at affectionately or took on board and agreed with, and she adored her great-grand-children like they'd been made from the purest ingredients and could do no wrong (which is true).

Mum was planning pot-holders in the midst of her drug and pneumonia induced delirium... just one or two. I took her a bag of culled felt I had for the op-shop in a nice new purple pencil case with embroidery cottons and a bundle of pictures to inspire her. I gave her the crappy felt because she (1) wasn't bothered by polyester like I am and (2) I knew she wasn't going to do anything and there were some good Mum colours.

Dad took her home last Monday (just over a week ago) and it was to die. She'd been fighting for so long and was losing. I stayed. Last night was my first night at home with Ross. I slept on a mattress at the foot of her recliner (purple) and we stroked her face and held her hand and fed her baby food and then shaved ice until she wasn't able to do it anymore. We washed her and I used my ray-gun to ward off well-meaning friends who stayed and stayed and would have (well meaning-ly) robbed my father of his last chances to be with her and redeem anything that needed redeeming and to tell her he loved her. He politely kept up conversations with friends and I'd see him glancing over and so I'd ray-gun them into submission. Sometimes I had to turn it to the highest setting.

We've cried buckets but there are oceans. It's no comfort to me to say she had a good life, it wasn't long enough. I want her here. We were the sewers. We remembered the stuff. We rolled our eyes at Dad and stuck up for the need to buy the trim that you could only get an hour's drive away because it was the right colour.

She stipulated that everyone wears purple at the funeral and you'd have to know her to say typical! I never wear purple and I said to my brother that I've side-stepped Mum's demands all my life and I wasn't wearing purple to the funeral, which is a lie. I'm wearing her jewellery... and I'm just about to make a purplish skirt... and jacket if I can be bothered. I've been meaning to make it for a few years and it's only right. But it's aubergine so I'm winning a bit and so is she.

So beautiful, that girl. Pretty, blonde, with big blue eyes. I have her hands but I'm much taller and dark.

Even though I've had Nick Cave's 'Death Is Not The End' going through my head for days... I'm not so sure. It's fucking un-natural, that's all I can say.

I love you Mum. I'll miss you forever but every time I look at my daughters I can see your personality. Even my son has your obsession with shoes. We're all stubborn and happy-in-ourselves.

So sweet and a little bit naughty.

The Start Of A Great Love Affair

My first ever embroidery. Two hand towels, big enough for baby hands. Wandin Yallock Primary School 3011 (I think... that just popped out of my brain so I'm willing to go with it). Grade 4? Can't remember, but I was thinking about these the other day. I recall how much pleasure the design and colours gave me. Mum still had them and gave them to me yesterday. Huccaback, however you spell it.

Puckle Street 1934-5

The middle one is my darling Grandma. My Nanna (her mother) on the right with my dearest Mum in the pusher. Even I can see me in my Grandma.

Me Mum & Me

I used to carry this around so I could get my head around the fact that Mum was Mum. It seems so odd... you know what I mean?

I've Always Loved These

My Grandma and Dah courting. Must be in the 20's or very early 30's. They didn't stop this behaviour until he died at 59 years of age.

It's Just Me Again

My brother Glenn Stuart, myself in the middle admiring something, and Sheryl Bailey, my Mum's childhood friend's daughter. Surrogate cousin.

This is my Nanna (great-grandmother Lucy Ellen), my Grandma (Phyllis Lucy), my Mum (Judith Ann) and myself, Robyne Fiona. Nanna and I shared a birthday, also with my father's Dad (Gramps). At Grandma's house in Moonee Ponds, where I later lived to go to Melbourne College of Textiles.

Me & Stevie Park

I always thought he was nice. Last time I saw him was when I was about 10.

I Thought I'd Already Shown You These But...

Hampton, everyone's favourite picnic spot by the sea.

My great-grandmother Lucy Ellen Dickinson (nee Wakeham 1880-1966) is the woman with the hat (yes you guessed right... milliner by trade), my darling Grandma is the baby to her right a bit at the back on some guy's knee (Uncle Dave Gardener, who died Christmas Eve on the way home from work. Grandma said he was a mean poultry farmer. They'd stayed there and for 6 weeks he gave the children nothing but chicken broth. Grandma's little sister Tiny said 'If only we could have some meat, if only just a sausage!).

My great-grandfather George is bottom right. He took the next photo and you can see people responding to him in it.

The woman directly left to my Nanna (Lucy) is Aunty Mary Wakeham (her sister and my Grandma's favourite Aunt). Mary taught my Grandma to crochet at age 5 with regular sewing cotton and a fine hook. She died in a lift accident. She had pressed the button for a lift, the story as I remember it is that she was meeting her sister Lucy, and George . The lift arrived but she was distracted by someone and didn't go in immediately. When she did moments later... she opened the first gate (if you will remember how it was) and stepped in but the lift had gone up to meet Lucy & George, and she fell to her death down the lift well. I have a couple of things she made. I'll show you...

The baby on the bottom right, Tommy, died of a snake bite when he was 15. His dad there died from an asthma attack.

I know you probably don't care but I have to put it here...

Tanya

Yackandandah again, out the back of Granny's pub. My other Grandma did up this doll and it was donated to the Yack Mardi-Gras. I remember the day... brass band... big parade through the town... I was just or nearly five. The doll had a sash like a real 'Miss Somewhere'. Miss Yackandandah. I don't remember the details, but Granny must have had a raffle which I WON!!! So, we took Tanya home and she was relegated to the top of the cupboard in the spare room, because she was special. Ear-marked 'for later on'.

Not long after, we had a house fire in the spare room, from an electrical fault. Tanya bit the big one. I clearly remember my dream (nightmare) of her going up in flames and I woke screaming and calling her name.

Ross wonders if that's where it all began.

My first death. Now I see this photo, she looks to be shrouded and I was amazed to see that she isn't the elegant, beautiful, mature woman of a doll that I remembered, but an ordinary girl. I love her just the same.

I got very sick after that and was given a new doll when I got out of hossie, I named her Danielle and thought of her as Tanya's daughter.

Here's The Whole Story

Apparently I wasn't allowed to climb on my grandfather's pile of bricks, as you would expect. My Dad caught it all on film. I bet I got away with it too... it always worked in the future (the smile), no reason to think it didn't work then.

Flashback Friday

Up near Hall's Gap, 28 years old... I remember thinking I was fat at the time! If only I knew how much I wasn't...

Always shy in front of a camera.

Grandma & Dah (Phyllis Lucy and Ronald) & Their Daughter Judith (Me Mum)

My favourite photo of Mum

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The lovebirds at the beach. While they were courting.

I finished the curtain today... and almost finished the red felt cushion. Stay tune...

Ronald & Phyllis

My mother's parents, my sewing Grandma. This is before they married... so... I think she was 19 when they did and she was born in 1909...

Grandma died at 84 years old in 1993 and Dah died in1966. They had a big love thing going for the whole time and she never married again. Best buddies. Did everything together. Made stuff. Snogged in the hallway in front of the children. Luvverly.

I just got my scanner up and running!!! So exciting!!! You'll be inundated with (not even Friday) flashbacks. I've bought one good enough to do all of Dad's slides on too. Yay!